Letting Go to Receive More

Tao Te Ching chapter 76 teaches us to be soft and green, like nature. Things that are hard and stiff in nature are already dead or susceptible to breaking. The way we react to any situation is the first step to knowing the outcome. We cannot resist change because change will come whether we ask for it or not. We cannot be in control of everything that happens to or around us, but we have the ability to control our reactions. The more we combat and fight what is happening, the harder in our ways we become and the less likely we will be able to renavigate to a better outcome for ourselves. To reach our highest self we must accept that nearly everything in this universe is out of our control. When what’s meant for us shows it’s true face, will we be able to answer it’s call? Or will we hold onto a set of ideals or comforts that feel familiar and safe, but in reality restrict us from our higher self?

I have been so comfortable and reliant on my career of tattooing when I have always felt an overwhelming pull to discontinue my craft and focus solely on a career making art. While tattooing is art, it often is more of a catering situation. Meeting the clients specified needs and working meticulously to adhere to their guidelines to give them a design that will be branded into their being for as long as they occupy this planet. Imagine that task all day in and out. To constantly be under the scrutiny of the individual who’s needs are greater than mine. Tattoos are therapy for some, they hold the weight and sentiment of entire situations or people. It takes the art out of the artist and puts the artist in a counselor position. It’s overwhelming taking on everyone’s emotions and needs when all I wanted and needed was to be an artist and share my talents with the world.

I have extreme depression and social anxiety and my empathetic personality means I take on my clients situations. I would process my clients emotions and realize I had no mental strength left to process my own. The cup I poured from was empty and starting to run a deficit. I experienced my first great loss when my mentor Donny passed away. I loved him with my whole heart and in a way that can’t be articulated, only experienced. He instilled in me invaluable lessons of hard work, dedication, and artistic value. The other lesson he taught me is that a grudge may go to the grave, but that doesn’t make that grave any softer. Donny couldn’t let go of shit. The day before he passed away was the first time we talked in over a year. He had a grudge against me he refused to let up. No matter the kindess I showed or the apologies I crafted (even though I still to this day do not know what the gruge was about; he literally took it to the grave). Our conversation was very few words and didnt mean much to me at the time, but it was a side of softness that was not on brand for this goliath of a man. I saw in that moment that it was my opportunity to reconcile anything that I had done. I vowed to myself that night I’d do better to show him that despite him shutting me out, I would be there for him and make him proud of my art and tattooing, The next day he had a heart attack and was taken from us. I regretted my every decision up to that point and cursed myself for thinking I would have time to work on things when I knew I needed to just say it long ago. How could I let a year go by without trying to fix what I had unintentionally done. How could he be so stern that he could shut me out for a year only to show a glimpse of softness before his light was exhausted? Bitter is too gentle of a word. I became calloused to anyone and everyone. I created such strict boundaries so as to never experince a loss like that again.

I became brittle, hard, and stiff. Every day, every client, every emotional impact adding to my hardness. I became what I resented so much in Donny.

Today I recognize I need to soften these parts of me to allow what the universe has been offering me this whole time. I am an artist who loves to create and connect with people and nature. While tattooing and my apprentiship led me to be the well rounded artist I am today, I need to redirect my talents into mediums that compliment my being. I am new growth after a controlled burn; soft, flexible, green. My intensions with my art are to anthropomorphize nature in a way that calms and creates space for others to grow.

I sprout from the ground and open my arms, I recieve the sunlight and the rain; I feel the harsh winds and freezing colds, but I still grow, mature, and create.